CNN With Another Hard Hitting Story

December 5, 2013


I’m not even going to post an excerpt from the article because that’s not what this rant is going to be about.  This rant is about the utter meaninglessness of this story.  If the answer to the headline is yes then…what?  Like what’s gonna happen if they find out pot smoking gives you bitch tits?  All of a sudden are pot heads gonna realize that sitting around stoned and eating 30 packs of gushers might pack on a few pounds?  They already know that, they don’t care!  And if the answer is no then CNN just put up this article to get clicks because they know when people see the word “pot” they take notice.  I didn’t read the article but I would respect CNN a hell of a lot more if the answer was no and they were just trolling for pageviews.  One of my favorite bloggers does that literally every day, and it would be nice to see a major news operation having to resort to trolling its readers to get traffic.  It brings them down to our level, they are just whores like the rest of us, doing anything for that dollar.

Something else that really gets under my skin is the holier than thou opinion journalists have of themselves.  And this isn’t limited to news, it’s true in sports and entertainment reporting as well.  If you want an example of just what I’m talking about follow Omar Kelly on twitter (@OmarKelly) just do it for one day.  He’s the Miami Dolphins beat writer for the Sun-Sentinel.  Mother fucker takes his job WAY too seriously, like to the point where I think he thinks he’s directly responsible for how well the team plays.  He’s just one example, there are many others.  Point is these people think their jobs are life and death important, obviously news journalists are the worst because they have to cover wars and genocides and shit, but they still think they are directly affecting world events.  Maybe on rare occasions they do, but for the most part they are just informing dumb regular everyday people about stuff they have nothing to do with and that doesn’t change their lives at all.  So when I see stories like the one above it reminds me that no matter how important these news organizations think they are, they are just the same despicable bottom feeders like the rest of us.

P.S. Just a couple of Omar’s latest tweets acting like a self-righteous douche bag



yeah Omar, I’ll do my time because your acknowledgment means so much to me…..yuck….


Los Angeles Now Treating E-Cigs Like Heroin

December 5, 2013



LATimes:  Calling it a potential health risk and a gateway to tobacco use, the Los Angeles City Council on Wednesday voted unanimously to regulate the sales of e-cigarettes and other “vaping” devices.

The new law puts electronic smoking devices in the same category as tobacco products, subjecting their sales to the same restrictions. It bans sales from street kiosks, ice cream trucks and self-service displays, and requires retailers to obtain a license before selling the products.

Parallel legislation under city consideration would ban the use of e-cigarettes in the same places that tobacco is prohibited, including restaurants and parks. Sales of e-cigarettes to minors are already banned under state law, and 59 California counties and cities, including Glendale and Burbank, require a license to sell e-cigarettes.

The nanny state strikes again!!  Jesus salsa dancing christ California (I’m gonna pretend this is the entire state and not just LA for the sake of ranting) you really just have to regulate everything to dust huh?  Got to get your hands in every pot, forcing business to buy licenses to sell e-cigs has nothing to do with protecting children from this harmful “gateway” whatever you claim it is…it has all to do with milking the public for more money.  Electronic cigarettes are already banned for minors so WTF?  I’m moving to your liberal utopia one way or another soon and I’m afraid you’re not laying out the best welcome mat.  E-Cigs are the only thing that’s gonna get me to stop smoking real cigs and if I can’t buy them from my local ice cream truck on my saturday afternoons of children watching then I’m just going to have to stick to the real thing and die a horrible, slow, black lunged death.  Is that what you want?? The whole appeal of e-cigs is that you don’t have to get up and leave the room if you want your nicotine fix, so banning them from restaurants or parks just means I might as well continue to smoke the good shit.

Also lets talk about the whole “no cigs in parks” thing.  Now, I get no cigarettes in crowded restaurants where everyone is breathing the same recycled air and on planes and even bars, but parks?  Literally the most fresh air filled places on earth.  You exhale a nice cloud of smoke in a park it’s gone in, I dunno, instantly?  If you’re close enough to someone in a park where they are bothered by your cigarette smoke you are either murdering them or raping them, and then they have bigger problems than a little second hand.  Just ban tobacco in one sweeping piece of legislation, this slippery slope shit is maddening.

P.S. As a smoker one of my biggest pet peeves (hate using that term) is when I’m outside of the bar having a smoke and someone walks by on the street and fake coughs as they pass like I’m intentionally putting their life in danger.  Hey fuck face, you voted me out here, I would be perfectly happy having this smoke in the nice warm bar.  But no, you had to check “yes” on state resolution 1-2-blah-fuckyou and now I HAVE to be out here.  Didn’t think that one through did ya?  So now I’m gonna be the scourge of the sidewalk blowing my harmful carcinogens in the faces of toddlers and the elderly.

The Pope Used To Be A Bouncer…Still Kind Of Is No?

December 4, 2013



YahooHere’s a line you probably thought you’d never read: Pope Francis, the worldwide leader of the Roman Catholic Church, used to work as a bouncer.

During a trip to a Rome-area church on Sunday, he revealed that he had once worked as a bouncer at a Buenos Aires nightclub before turning his attention to the church. That’s in addition to his time as a janitor and laboratory assistant.

This biographical tidbit has made the rounds before, but it was the first time the pope had mentioned his past employment since taking over for the retiring Pope Benedict in March 2013. And it didn’t take long for social media to pick up on the news and run with it.

From keeping trannies out of Argentinian night clubs to keeping gays out of Heaven.  Pope Francis is the bouncers bouncer.  In control of the velvet rope in front of the Pearly Gates.  Can’t get a more prestigious bouncing gig than that, quite literally in control of who gets into the most exclusive club in the universe.  I wonder though does he fall prey to the usual get-arounds when it comes to bouncers?  You know, 100 dollar handshake or tits in the face?  Now I’m not talking about in his current position as Pope because that would be blasphemous (almost as bad as thinking the Pope decides who gets into heaven but this is a satirical blog so relax) but when he was working the door in Buenos Aires…are there some Argentinian smokes (or former smokes since this was decades ago) who saw this guy get elected Pope and thought “holy shit! I got into the club cuz I showed that guy my tits!”  There have to be right?  In any case Pope Francis is easily my favorite Pope of all time, dude has been dominating since day 1.*

*If this blog is in any way blasphemous I plead ignorance and throw myself at the mercy of Pope Francis, the most kick ass Pope of all the Popes!  Lettuce Pray!

“Celebrity” Chef Nigella Lawson Admits To Using Cocaine

December 4, 2013

Nigella Lawson

NYPostCelebrity chef Nigella Lawson admitted using cocaine seven times — but branded allegations that she was an addict who abused the drug daily as “absolutely ridiculous.’’

The TV star and cookbook officer testified in a London Court Wednesday that she used coke with her late husband John Diamond after he found out he was dying of cancer, and again in July 2010 when she was being “subjected to intimate terrorism” by her ex-hubby, Charles Saatchi.

“I have never been a drug addict. I’ve never been a habitual user. There are two times in my life when I have used cocaine,” said Lawson, 53, who was testifying at the fraud trial of her two former personal assistants, Italian sisters Elisabetta and Francesca Grillo.

The pair allegedly blew through nearly $1 million while living it up on Saatchi’s company credit cards.

Cool! So have I! Where is my page six scandal? I’m about as famous as Nigel Lawrence here.  Look, this is a dumb story but I blogged it to illustrate just how celebrity obsessed we have become.  I know you’re thinking “yeah no shit Loon, dumb fucker” and yes I am…BUT…that used to mean we cared about hollywood a-listers or mega-star musicians…now some no name British Chef has to appear in court and talk about coke and we cover it like it’s where Kim Kardashian is getting married.  It’s in Versaille by the way, just so you know.

P.S. Last sentence in the blurb I quoted is so NY Post

P.P.S. Doing coke 7 times is not doing coke, that’s dabbling, call me when you drive into Manhattan at 4 am after running out of the coke you bought in Manhattan at midnight

P.P.P.S. No more

So Nate Reveals His Face…And Sadly His Voice On KFC Radio

December 4, 2013

Not Allowed Near Playgrounds

So on this week’s episode of KFC Radio Nate from Barstool DMV (D.C. Maryland Virginia) finally showed the stoolies what he looks like.  Also, what he sounds like.  Which is something like this…

So the Stool has a Lois Griffin sounding mother fucker on staff…if they hire me then they’ll have a whiskey and cigarette voiced idiot on staff…Lois and Mac’s Mom!!! We could fight crime and scare away girls!

P.S. That 7:41 on the top picture is as far as I could get before I couldn’t take Nate’s voice anymore…good writer and funny dude…but jesus

Will Kobe’s Return Change Anything For The Lakers?

December 4, 2013

Kobe Bryant


ESPNLA:  EL SEGUNDO, Calif. — Both Kobe Bryant and Steve “The Traitor” Nash returned to Los Angeles Lakers practice Tuesday. However, one of the guards appears closer to a return to game action than the other.

Bryant, who hasn’t played in a game since tearing the Achilles tendon in his left leg nearly eight months ago, scrimmaged for 30 to 45 minutes, according to Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni.

“Today was a good day,” D’Antoni said of Bryant’s first practice with the team since before the Lakers’ three-game trip, nearly two weeks ago. “We’ll see tomorrow how he reacts and everything, but today was a big step forward.”

D’Antoni would not say whether Bryant’s practice performance Tuesday meant he will be playing in the Lakers’ next game, Friday on the road against the Sacramento Kings.

I know Kobe Bryant is a top 20 player of all time, maybe even top 10.  That having been said, I don’t think his return is going to spark the Lakers in the way many fans are hoping.  First off, we haven’t seen a post-injury Kobe, at least not an injury of the magnitude he suffered last season.  We have no idea if he’ll play a few games and get re-injured ala Derrick Rose, or even if he stays healthy if he can perform at the level he’s used to.  Secondly, Kobe is old now, he’s got a shit load of milage on his legs and one of them recently gave out.  I’m a Dolphins fan and I know how an achilles can change an aging player and Kobe needs his achilles much more than Marino did.  So while his return, whether it be this friday or sometime later, will light a fire under the Lakers (who are now sitting at 9-9 and 11th in the West) I don’t think fans in L.A. should get too excited.  Even if Kobe sparks an 8 game winning streak and the Lakers jump up to the middle of the playoff pack you have to be aware that at any moment one bad step could not only end his season again, but this time it could very well be his career.

P.S. The article also mentioned that the traitor is close to coming back too…but we don’t acknowledge the Canadian by name anymore on this blog

P.P.S. I kind of like being a wet blanket for Lakers fans hopes

The Loon’s Top TV Recommendation For 2014…Because Nobody Asked

December 4, 2013

January 12…if you have HBO you have no excuse to miss it…if you don’t have HBO either get it or I hate you.

Mother Of Dragons In Talks To Play The Mother Of John Connor

December 4, 2013



Deadline:  I’m hearing that Paramount and director Alan Taylor are looking closely at Emilia Clarke and Brie Larson to play the role of Sarah Connor in the Terminator reboot that is being assembled for a July, 2015 release. Both actresses have tested for the producers, and they are the frontrunners. I have heard that Clarke has an edge, and that would not be surprising. Before Taylor helmed Thor: The Dark World, he directed Clarke in HBO’s Game Of Thrones. She, of course, plays the unforgettable dragon-commanding heroine Daenerys Targaryen in that massive HBO series, and has demonstrated the mettle to capably play one of the screen’s most formidable heroines as originated by Linda Hamilton in James Cameron’s first two films in the series.

Brie Larson can fuck right off.  Yes she’s a talented beautiful young actress but this game is so rigged it’s not even funny.  Alan Taylor, if you don’t know, has directed 6 episodes of Game of Thrones and directors like to stick with actors they know.  It’s why Chris Nolan has Michael Cain in every one of his films.  So no offense to Brie (besides my earlier call for her to fuck off) but she has no chance.  If this happens and Clarke gets the part then we will have two Sarah Connors on Game of Thrones.  Lena Headey who plays Cersei on GOT played Sarah Connor on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.  So we would be in a unique situation where if GRRM is so inclined we could see a Connor on Connor lesbian sex scene.  I feel like the geek community would drown in cum if that happened.  I’d merely wallow in it.

Some Report On Sex That I Didn’t Understand But Will Write About Anyway

December 4, 2013

walk of shame

The Guardian:  The “walk of shame” is a Sunday morning ritual on college campuses (and sometimes beyond) across the United States: young women, hair matted and still in last night’s skirt and heels, trudge home post-hook-up. It’s a uniquely female ritual, and the term itself evokes a singularly female image.

While men also have to go home after sex, often disheveled and exhausted, there’s no shame attached to their commute. In a culture that imbues sexual activity in women with shame and judgment while applauding sexual prolificacy in men, it will surprise no one that women are more likely than men to report regretting sexual encounters. But according to a new study, it’s not cultural views of female sexuality that saddle women with regret; it’s evolution.

The research team found that college-age women are more likely to regret a one-time sexual encounter, whereas men are more likely to regret not taking a sexual opportunity. Women’s biggest sexual regrets are losing their virginity to the wrong partner, cheating on a partner or moving too fast sexually. Men, on the other hand, regretted not making a move on a potential partner, and a lack of sexual adventurousness in their younger or single days. Similar patterns held among gay men and lesbians – women were more likely to regret sexual activity, while men were more likely to regret chances not taken.

Ok, so if I’m reading this correctly and I’m sure that I’m not, women feel shame after sex because they are evolutionarily designed that way (just used evolution and design in the same sentence, take that everyone on earth with an opinion).   Ok, and this revelation changes what exactly?  These studies are so fucking bogus I’m almost impressed.  The people who research this stuff get massive grants from the government to tell us stuff we either already know or we don’t care about.  So what if the reason women feel ashamed when they have to walk home with one heel on and smeared makeup is because of evolution or the fact that they just had close to blackout sex with some dude who they probably thought was a lot cuter than he really was.  The shame remains the same.  Listen, guys get this too.  We wake up in the morning and want to get you girls on your way home as quickly as possible, not so we can wake up our roommates bump chests and slam breakfasts beers and brag…no…so we can go back to sleep because we realized we didn’t wear a condom and our anxiety is through the roof that we might have caught an STD (we don’t care about pregnancy because most times we’re too drunk to nut).  Yes ladies our mornings after are worse than yours.  Sure you may feel bad about “what will my friends think?” or “will people think I’m a slut?”.  We have to worry about possibly getting needles stuck into our dicks.  Now I know the STD thing goes both ways…I’m just saying it’s literally the FIRST thing that goes through our minds the next morning…and when you’re hungover and that drippy dick anxiety hits you feel like you might have a heart attack…not fun.  So lets not act like women have a monopoly on morning after misery, for either sex the day after a drunk hookup is not pretty.

Costco Labels The Bible and Twelve Years A Slave As Fiction, Ron Burgundy Memoir Non Fiction

December 4, 2013


LATimes:  Not that it really matters, but it appears Costco, or its book distributor, simply doesn’t grasp the distinction between fact and fiction.

Take “Lit,” the bestselling alcoholism memoir by the amazing (and sober) Mary Karr, whose extraordinary first memoir, “The Liars’ Club” plumbed her chaotic Texas childhood. At Costco — and I presume this is not a value judgment — “Lit” is labeled “fiction.” What an insult to an accomplished memoirist like Karr.

On the other hand, I can’t totally blame Costco for mislabeling “Ron Burgundy: Let Me Off at the Top: My Classy Life & Other Musings.” (Forgive me. I have no idea how to punctuate that title.)

The cover of this book sports a picture of a mega-mustachioed Will Ferrell, in character as San Diego’s fictional TV anchorman. If you aren’t a reader, don’t know anything about popular culture and perhaps haven’t been to the movies in a decade, it’s perfectly understandable that you might slap a “nonfiction” label on this faux memoir.

Perhaps Costco, or its distributor, believes that Ron Burgundy is real. In a way, I suppose he is.

Look I’m not going to get into whether the events in the bible were real or if slavery was real or any of that nonsense.  That’s for people MUCH smarter and dumber than me to decide.  What I want to know is this…whoever is slapping these inaccurate labels on the books at Costco has to be doing this on purpose right?  This is absolutely the work of some 17 year old part timer who probably thinks doing this is WAY funnier than it actually is.  Sure seeing Ron Burgundy’s memoir in the non fiction section is good for a grin, maybe even a low chuckle but it’s the book section at Costco so really, who gives a shit?  Nobody goes to Costco for their book section, it’d be like complaining about mislabeled toys at a Pharmacy.  But this being America I naturally found this story on the front page of the LA Times website, because any small mistake or dumb joke has got to be national news.  And it’s because of people like this…

But a few days later, I got an email from Jennifer Sjoberg, who shops at the Costco in Fresno.

“Personally, I think the Bible is fiction,” Sjoberg told me. But she was incensed that the store had the nerve to apply the fiction label to Solomon Northup’s memoir “12 Years a Slave,” which she bought for her son who is studying slavery and the Civil War. That literary work, of course, is the true tale of a free black man who was sold into slavery and the inspiration for Steve McQueen’s justly lauded new film of the same name.

I HATE people like Jennifer Sjobarge…Sjobergy? Whatever, just hypocritical to the nth degree.  Probably considers herself an open minded liberal intellectual.  Thinks her shit don’t stink.  Has no problem with the bible being labeled fiction even though I’m sure that bothers a ton of people, but fuck them right Jennifer? They’re dumb Christians so who cares what they say!  However, labeling a book about slavery fiction, well, Jennifer will not be having any of that!  It’s just this mindset now in America that if it offends other people but not you then you think those other people are dumb for being offended by an “obvious mistake” but the minute it affects you then the outrage switch gets flipped and anyone who doesn’t agree with your outrage it a bigot or worse.  How about we all take a step back and realize that the 17 year old pot head at Costco mislabeling books because he thinks it’s funny is not the end of the world and maybe we shouldn’t have even heard about this happening at all.