We Are Closer Than You Think To Everybody Getting To Go To Space


YahooA group of would-be astronauts are heading down to Florida this week for the chance to win the opportunity of a lifetime: a free trip to the edge of space and back.  More than 100 participants from all over the world are converging on NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Florida for the AXE Apollo Space Academy — the final step in a yearlong contest designed to send 23 lucky winners to the edge of space. In total, 25 people will travel to space with AXE (two additional tickets were already awarded through a sweepstakes)  The 23 winners — chosen from the larger group in Florida — will receive tickets to fly from Space Expedition Corporation. SXC manages trips aboard the XCOR Aerospace Lynx aircraft, a reusable shuttle that is expected to start flying customers to space in 2015, according to reports. It costs $95,000 for a ticket on the Lynx spacecraft and more than 250 tickets have already been sold, according to XCOR officials.  Of the 109 people attending the space academy, eight of them are from the United States. Two were chosen based on their social media rankings, while the other six found the AXE promo codes that secured them a trip to Florida. The sole United States winner of a ticket on the Lynx will be chosen at random from the eight participants.

You know when you were growing up and you saw Back To The Future Part II and you got all excited for the possibility of flying cars and hoverboards and it made you look to the future with the unbridled enthusiasm and anticipation that only a child could have?  Well you were an idiot because the future is now and none of that cool shit exists.  Nope, what we have instead is people getting free rides into space because they bought a can of AXE body spray.  Let that sink in.  If anyone even 10 years ago told you that deodorant companies were going to be sending people into the cosmos you would have pulled an Incognito and held them down and shit in their mouth.  It would have been a preposterous idea.  Now having said that, this means we are close, I mean REALLY close to space travel being available to everyone.  I feel like this happened when commercial airlines were first invented, Pan Am probably teamed up with Chesterfield Cigarettes to give away two tickets on a flight from Ronkonkoma to East Orange and like 3 years later the entire world was Jet-Setting from Milan to Minsk.  That’s just how these things work.
If AXE is giving away trips to space next it’ll be the prize at the bottom of a box of Frosted Flakes.  Tony the Tiger will have a dumb space suit on with a big bubble helmet riding a rocket like god damn Wile E. Coyote.  Kids will be bitching if they win because they wanted the Pokemon special edition card with the frosted flake logo in the corner that totally makes it worthless but they’re dumb kids and don’t know any better.  Mom and Dad will be freaking out because they get to go into space and little ungrateful fuck Johnny will be bawling in the corner unable to be happy for his parents, because obviously he’s too young to go so fuck him.
He’ll still be all pissy eyed when Mom and Dad are getting ready to board the ship to fulfill their lifelong dreams (they are big fans of JFK and literally get goosebumps when they hear his “We will go to the Moon” speech) and he says something shitty to them like “I hate you I wish you were dead”  Mom and Dad will tell Johnny they love him and he should be happy for them but the little shit just crosses his arms and turns away as they try to hug him.  So Mom and Dad shrug and chalk it up to Johnny being a cunt and prepare to go on the journey of a lifetime.  They are now safely strapped into the Lynx (had to look it up) spacecraft and the countdown has begun.  Dad is all excited but Mom is being a Mom and feels bad that Johnny her shitty ungrateful fuck face of a son is so upset.  So she pulls the emergency abort rope (like on a bus but they have one on the Lynx because this is my story so shut up) and the mission is cancelled.  It is literally the biggest inconvenience for everyone involved and they decide to get rid of the abort rope on future flights and they fire the MTA official that put it into the original designs.
So Mom and Dad and asshole Johnny ride home, Mom is trying to console him but he is STILL whining about the fucking Pokemon card.  It’s been like 6 months but the fucker will just not let it go.  At this point Dad is starting to crack, he’s had to deal with a half year of his retard son bitching and he can’t take it anymore.  So on the way home he pulls off into a Bass Pro Shops.  Tells his wife and fuck wad Johnny to stay in the car.  He strolls right up to the firearms counter and proceeds to purchase a Remington 12 Gauge shotgun.  The guy behind the counter asks what he needs the gun for.  The father replies that he has a “situation” he has to take care of.  So natural they sell him the gun because this is America fuck you.  So Dad walks back to the car with his newly purchased weapon and opens the back door and looks directly at Johnny shit head.  He reaches in and…
…puts the shotgun which is safely secured in its case on the floor and locks the ammunition safely in a lockbox in the trunk.  They get home safely and later he goes skeet shooting to unload the built up aggression his bitchy queen of a son has caused.  Johnny eventually gets over the Pokemon card and grows up to be an Occupy Wall Street 2.o protester.  He eventually dies at the age of 23 from being a cunt.
The point is Space Travel is about to be very common.

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